BLOG: The Struggle to Simply Let Go
I am a yoga teacher, a cycle instructor and a naturopathic doctor. I have been doing this for over twenty years. At fifty-six I am fit and strong. My body is toned and tight and I can pass for a woman fifteen years my junior. I motivate, inspire and console. I love my life and appreciate that every day I get to go to gym or a studio and help people feel and look better. But here is another side to my story.
For the last twenty-five years I raised two children as a single mother, received two doctorates, put my children through school and maintained myself as a specimen of health and fitness. Exercise, health and specifically yoga kept me balanced centered and strong. Seven years ago I met my now husband and after three years of dating we got married. My life seemed finally to be coming to a place where I could relax and end the constant struggle of raising a family and keeping the roof over our heads. My yoga practice blossomed as I matured and relaxed into a place where I could give more. I was a role model for my students and an accomplished yogi.
About three years into my new marriage I began to experience a change in my periods and some pain in my ovaries. It was determined that I had benign tumors. Nothing serious, so I had surgery and the tumors were removed. Then about six months later my bladder began to ache and I could barely control the flow of urine when I taught my classes. I went to my gynecologist who assured me that I was going into perimenopause and that a weakening bladder was simply part of the process. I had the usual check up and everything was fine, accept he found a few more cysts on one of my ovaries. Nothing serious but something we had to watch. So I went back to see him every three months to measure the growth of the cysts. Tests were taken and everything was benign.
Then I began to bleed between periods and after sex. The bleeding increased to everyday. I started to lose weight and became exhausted. After six months of doctor visits and testing it was determined that I had a slow growing cancer that now had turned into an orange sized cancerous tumor on my cervix, moving into the uterus, cysts on my ovaries and extreme endometriosis. I needed to have a radical or total hysterectomy which included the removal of over twenty-two lymph nodes.
Stunned and shocked I could not cry. I simply sat motionless and stared off in space. I asked my doctor if I could wait a week before having the surgery. I needed to get my affairs in order. I needed time to think. This was not how I had planned my life. I would raise my children, find the man of my dreams, get married, live happily, naturally go through menopause and be healthy and fit into my nineties and then I would go to sleep and peacefully die. Now in my fifties all of that changed; I was looking through the door of death. In a flash I went from an energetic fitness guru to a cancer sick woman who would be thrust into menopause and perhaps would die. I could not control the outcome. I had to let go and accept what would be.
My yoga students were stunned. How could this happen they cried. I could see the fear on their faces. If it could happen to me perhaps it could happen to them. If hearing you have cancer is the biggest fear, hearing someone close to you has cancer is the second greatest fear. It makes people recoil and shakes their souls. Cancer can strike anyone at any time. It does not discriminate.
As I was prepped for surgery my mind raced about. I had no control over the outcome. I wondered what would happen to my body. Would I ever teach yoga again? Would I live? What if the cancer had migrated? All I could do now was surrender to the process and deal with whatever life handed me. Surrender is such a difficult thing because it calls upon us to let go of our fear. Yoga teaches that all fear comes from three places; the fear of being rejected, the fear of not being loved and the fear of dying. I could feel all three fears crashing in around me.
Post surgery I woke up in agonizing pain with a push button in my hand to allow me to squeeze morphine into my body-mind as the pain worsened. The next few days were beyond recognition. Initially things looked good. The biopsies showed that the cancer had stayed in the pelvic area but the doctor could not be sure until all the biopsies were in. In pain, flat in bed and with weeks to wait and to recover I wondered if my life would ever be the same. No I concluded it would never be the same no matter what the outcome.
The shock of the surgery and the healing process consumed all of my energy. But lying in bed alone unable to move my mind had plenty of room to roam. I thought about my children, my little grandsons, my mother, my husband and all my dear friends. Life had been both difficult and good to me. As many difficulties as I had in my life I had the equal share of blessings. If only I could get out of this bed and have more time to live.
I wondered if I would ever be able to teach a yoga class again. For the life of me I could not even walk the length of the hospital hallway let alone do a yoga pose. Yoga had been the one thing that had seen me through so many difficult times in my life. It had been my best friend and now it was only a faint memory. The pain in my body, the exhaustion that consumed my mind and the looming fear of cancer consumed my soul. I longed to practice my yoga and then suddenly it hit me. Now in the confines of my bed was the time to really practice yoga because yoga is not simply the poses and postures but rather yoga is an opportunity to discover and really practice the essence of life. In my mind’s eye I watched myself perform certain yoga poses and with each one I concentrated on balance, strength, flexibility, truth, surrender, quietude, peace and serenity and from my bed shrouded in pain I discovered the true practice of yoga. I let go, surrendered and found the strength to move forward. I got out of bed that day and shuffled my feet down the hallway and continued each day for six weeks until I could walk upright and then at week six I returned to teach my yoga classes. At first I was weak but with time and persistence I quickly returned to my teaching routine.
It is a little over a year now and I am cancer free. It takes five years to reach remission and I cannot say that a day does not go by where I do not wonder if the ache in my back, the mark on my skin, or for that matter any pain or ache is but a forewarning of things to come.
I am back teaching yoga full time and no one would ever know that a year ago I had major surgery for cancer. My teaching has changed. What I brought back from my bedside practice is what I call “the Zen moment”, where I have the class stop, locate themselves, clear their minds and take in three deep breathes. It is the place where the past, present and future merge to remind us that living in the moment is the only truth. What you bring to the moment and what you take from the moment determines the very nature of your life. Much of life is beyond our control. What we can control is our attitudes and perceptions. Yoga is something that we can practice at anytime, anywhere and under any circumstance. You don’t need a studio or even the ability to do the poses. You can practice it inside your head while confined to bed. It is the path that reminds us that life is precious. Embrace each moment and live life to its fullest for the moments of your life are a beautiful mosaic that reflects back to you the importance of releasing yourself from the struggle for control and simply letting go into a place of peace and serenity.
Just recently I developed a new website with health and fitness tips; because I believe and am a testament to the fact that if you take care of your health in body, mind and spirit no matter what happens your recovery will be stronger.
Doctor Lynn
www.doctorlynn.com
Early detection is the key to survival when it comes to cancer. I encourage everyone to get regular checkups and if anything suspicious appears push to get every test you can to determine the nature of the problem. I am lucky my cancer was detected just in time. Know your body and above all else cherish your health because…
“When health is absent wisdom cannot reveal itself, art cannot become manifest, strength cannot be exerted, wealth is useless and reason is powerless.” HEROPHILIES, 300 B. C.
